Monday, January 16, 2012

Drawing a Blank

I have been at a loss.

Just can't seem to wrap my head around much of anything, D-related or not.

I feel like I'm in a fog and can't quite make out the path ahead of me.

I am still doing the long term sub that was supposed to be over in November. Loving that I'm still teaching; loving (well, liking some of) the kids; enjoying the needed pay check. However, I feel like I'm just going through the motions most days. Biding my time until the full time teacher starts. And I don't like it.

I just went through some stuff (I'll spare you the details) in preparation for an IUD that I won't be getting. All is well, but the process and waiting in between appointments had me almost numb, apathetic to whatever may or may not come as a result of the tests and ultrasounds and biopsies. Oops, sorry, those were details. ;)

I have been coming up with nothing inspired when looking over Bean's BGs. Lots of things are off: overnight basals, afternoon basals, or could it be correction factors and I/C ratios. I just don't know for sure. Yeah, I've been doing adjustments and tweaks, but they are not resulting in the desired results.  And is frustrating in and of itself, but it's not pushing me towards any epiphanies.

And then there's the fact that it's January. It's cold, it's dark (although we are gaining daylight, yeah!), and it's the anniversary of my dad's passing. It's impossible to keep that tucked away in the back of my mind, where I most of the time. It seeps into my thoughts and takes me back to three years ago, whether I want to go or not.

So, here I am. Drawing a blank. In a bit of a fog, unable to clearly make out where my next step will take me.

And to a certain extent, I'm OK with it; and that kinda concerns me.

But then there's the control freak inside me that starts screaming at me to snap out of it and take back that control.  Problem is, I'm getting too good at ignoring that screaming at the moment.



  1. oh my friend I am walking alongside ya in that fog <3 I am sorry that so many things are coming together this month to make it craptastic all around. It scares me sometimes how good I've become at ignoring that screaming too. Sending you all my light and a giant hug!

  2. I sure do hate those foggy times. When nothing seems to feel totally "right" and everything is just a little..... off.
    I hope you find your groove again soon.

  3. Sounds like you are in a frozen moment. Focus on something little to keep you busy. Something fun.

  4. I hear you. I have times like that, too. I think it's ok- as long as you know it will pass. Spring will come and thaw you out and the sun will shine again! Hang in there, Mama!

  5. That happens to me too! Sometimes it will last for days--or even weeks. And then boom! I'm back in gear, just like that. I don't get it.

    But I do understand. Hope you're feeling better soon. In the meantime, go easy on yourself. It sounds like you're really busy right don't put too much pressure on yourself! : )

  6. Foggy here too! Hope you emerge soon. HUGS!

  7. Hugs! I wish I could send some Arizona sunshine up to Alaska. Hang in there. :)

  8. Sounds like you need a break, and although we can't take breaks I think our minds go into a semi-shutdown at times to allow us recover our energies and deal with the many things we need to. Dont worry, nobody can be 100% all the time...this feeling will pass

  9. Hugs from Seattle - those fogs are tough!


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