Monday, September 19, 2011

When Tears Fall Again

Last week, Ubergeek and I met with the team at Bean's school to start the 504 plan process.

This is something we have been waiting to get started for a year now.

There is a new principal and a new nurse, so we are already having a better year in those areas.

Other areas are not going so well.  Bean is having issues taking a super long time in the bathroom (yeah, she's a dawdler and has a tendency to go A LOT) and she is having a hard time getting her work done (just now starting to get her ratios and basals set so she's not running high or crashing all the time!).

We came prepared with a 504 plan already written, based on the sample one from the ADA, because I knew that I wasn't going to trust anyone else to make sure Bean's needs are met.  Unfortunately most of the meeting was centered around the problems that Bean is having with very little regard for her diabetes.  No matter how hard the nurse, Ubergeek, or I tried, they just weren't 'getting it' that pretty much all of Bean's 'issues' having either underlying or blatant D connections.

Thankfully, the nurse did finally get across a few D points and was going to be following up with Bean's teachers later that week to make sure that certain things (like making sure she's actually testing before recess instead of just giving Wilma's (her CGM) number and her teacher taking her word for it ~ yikes!) were addressed immediately while we are waiting for the 504 plan to be put into place.

It wasn't a 'feel good' meeting.  I went into it knowing that I was going to have to keep myself calm, and for the most part I did.  It could have very easily escalated because it was about my Bean and as much as I know she has 'issues' (D or not) and as much as I know that she's not a perfect child (shocker, I know!) I do not like it when other people hone in on those issues and make them out to be bigger than they are, or don't take into account that those issues might not be entirely under Bean's control.  We don't allow her to use D as an excuse, but there are times that D is the reason, like it or not.

Later that night, Ubergeek and I were talking about the meeting and I couldn't keep the tears from falling.  It's been months since I've cried because of D.  I honestly couldn't tell you the last time.  But that night I cried and cried and cried.

I cried for my 'smart kid' that is testing second to lowest in her class because of blood sugar issues.

I cried for my 'trustworthy kid' that is being seen as someone who can't be trusted to go where she's supposed to go.

I cried for my 'honest kid' who is now feeling the need to lie about things to keep from getting into more trouble.

I cried for my 'focus and get the work done kid' who now struggles with her assignments because of out of range BGs or 'holes' in her knowledge from missing class time last year because of D.

I cried for the 'involved, supportive mom' that I'm struggling to be now that I'm working and our evenings are even shorter than they were before.

I cried for the unfairness of D to rob my Bean of so many normal things that no other mom or kid has to worry about.

I cried and cried and cried because there was nothing else I could do.  And I'm crying again, damn it!

I know that it will all work out.

I know that the 504 plan will help ensure Bean is getting what she has the right to get and I will make sure of that.

I know that we will work our butts off at home to fill those holes and help her succeed this year.

I know that D will again take a backseat and not drive us over the cliff...maybe right up to the edge, but I WILL NOT let it drive us over!

I know that you, my fellow D'rents, have been there and have come out the other side with dry eyes and 504 plans.

I know that the tears will be wiped away and my eyes will be dry.

But, I know they will fall again, it's just a matter of time....


  1. oh Denise now I am crying too...wish I could give you a big hug. I will not let D drive you and sweet Bean over that cliff either!

  2. its really true, what you say about sometimes being able to do nothing more, but cry. i mean you can be exhausted physically and emotionally for dealing with your daughter, setting up protocols and plans, and teaching and revising etc etc etc...and yet there it is, diabetes... it just blows. :( BIG HUGS.

  3. God...I have been there. All of it...when Joe was like in 1st grade we were having all of the above same issues. It will get better. You guys are on it. Love you and know you are not alone. xo

  4. Your post made me tear up because it gives me glimpses into what Elise's future holds. HUGS. Hoping that you can get this all worked out soon.

  5. Oh, I am all teary here too. Sending hugs to you. If it helps at all I was a teacher for a decade and can reassure you that what Bean learns and how she deals with life comes from you and your man and not so much from school. School is important, of course, and yet life lessons are those that we need most. Bean gets those from you every day, all the time.

  6. You speak the truth. I so feel for you. It's just heartbreaking. It's a heartbreaking load to carry. For you and her. I pray things turn around soon. Like yesterday. And I know that you'll get ton place again where you won't remember crying over D. But it's ok to cry. And when you do, knownthat we are here to dry your tears and lend a shoulder. ((hugs))

  7. It will get better. You can have a few rough years there, but eventually you will learn how to handle D at school. There are times she may need extra help. I would investigate IEPs also if the school system will allow her to qualify. Highs and lows can cause attention issues similar to ADD at times. If you can bring the school studies and documentation, they may be more understanding and offer extra help, resource rooms, etc. Our school did and she is getting As and Bs again.

  8. Sorry I missed this post. I'm sorry you're going through all this. K ow that you are not alone. Hugs...


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