Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Diabetes Dreams

Yes, I realize that in order to dream you actually have to sleep, so it's rather miraculous that I'm writing about dreaming. ;)

I've had a couple of dreams in the past couple of weeks that have included me having diabetes.  I've woken up confused, but with a glimpse into what it would be like to deal with this crazy disease myself and not just as a participant in Bean's life with D.

The first dream had me in the hospital with what I assume would be DKA symptoms.  The main thing I remember is hearing through a very foggy brain that my BG was upwards of 1300.  That number, in and of itself, scared the crap out of me.  I can also remember being aware of what was going on, but being useless to help myself do anything or say anything or respond in anyway to anything that was going on around me.  It was a scary feeling to know what was happening on some level but not be able to participate in what was happening to me.

The second dream had me at some sort of sporting event.  I was on field level, in an area I assume was a staging area for those participating, but I know I wasn't in uniform to play whatever sport was going to be played. The National Anthem was starting and everyone was instructed to stand, which I did.  But not for long.  My BG was low; how low I don't know because although I tested, I couldn't see the number.  As I sat, fumbling for something to eat or drink, some very official looking dude kept glaring at me.  He came over and told me, quite harshly, that I better stand up for the song or I would be taken away.  Try as I might to explain to him that I was low and couldn't stand, he insisted repeatedly that I either stand or I would be removed from the stadium.  Well, you can figure out that there was no way I could stand, so I was escorted dragged out of the stadium.  I felt not only terrible because of the low, but humiliated that I was being taken out of the stadium, obviously missing whatever opportunity to participate that I was there for, and honestly felt discriminated against.

These dreams are but mere blips of my subconscious when I've visited dream land on a couple of rare occasions.  I'm sure the fact that I wish I could be the one with D instead of Bean factors into the whole thing.  And I'm sure my desire to understand what she goes through 24/7/365 has a lot to do with it, too.

I certainly hope that she never has to be in the hospital because she's in DKA. Never has to feel so out of control of what's going on around her, helpless to help herself.  Never feels slighted because of what her BG demands she has to do.

But I'm not living in dream land.  I know the statistics.  I know that it's in the realm of possibility that DKA will visit her.  I know that there will be BGs that render her helpless, if even for a short bit.  I know that she will have to sacrifice activities because she has to treat a low or high BG.  And that sucks.

I just hope that in her dreams she gets a break from diabetes.  That she never has to test her BG; never has to dose insulin; never has to miss out on anything because of this blasted disease.

Because until there is a cure, in her dreams is the only place she will ever be free of the 24/7/365-ness of T1D.

So dream, my sweet Bean.  Dream.


  1. That last bit...about only being "free" in her dreams..got to me. (((HUGS))) to you and The Bean.

  2. It always hits me much harder when I read posts about D-parents dreaming they have diabetes. It makes me sad and at the same time happy. You are so involved that it infiltrates your every thought. Subconscious or otherwise.

    You try so hard to understand, and that's touching.

    Hope you find some more restful (less diabetes) sleep soon.


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