Blogger ain't got nuthin' on Ubergeek

Due to the Blogger issue last week, my Day Four post was up for about 15 minutes and then magically disappeared!  

Due to fact that my awesome hubby, Ubergeek, has my blog on his google reader 

and the post had been downloaded to the reader on his phone, he had my post!!  

So, without further ado....

the post you should have read on Thursday.

Day Four of Diabetes Blog Week: 10 Things You Hate About DiabetesCheck out Bitter~Sweet for more information!
These are in no particular order other than when they popped into my head!
1.  I hate that D has made food such an issue.       It has to be weighed, carb counted, consumed, and, to a certain extent even with the pod, timed.  There is nothing 'off limits' to Bean, but that doesn't mean portions aren't controlled or the timing of a treat isn't planned carefully.
2.  I hate that D has changed who my Bean is.       Don't get me wrong, D has made her stronger, more responsible, and more aware and those are good things.  BUT she's 7 for heaven's sake and shouldn't have to be concerned with carb counts or if it's OK to have another finger swipe of frosting.      The way she can be so out of control when her BG is high ~ that is NOT my Bean.  The way she can crumple in a heap of tears when her BG is low ~ that is NOT my Bean....well, she does have a flare for the dramatic, but not to that extreme!  The way she is visibly frustrated and angry and tells me 'I hate this! I don't want to do this anymore!' when a pod alarms for the third day in a row ~ that is NOT my Bean.      She's no longer just the cute little one...she's the cute little one who has to have her backpack with her at all times; she's the cute little one who has to make herself bleed before eating anything; she's the cute little one who has that 'thing' on her arm or making her shirt or dress bulge at her tummy; she's the cute little one who has to be pulled away from school work, playing, you name it, to test to make sure her BG is OK.
3.  I hate that D has taken my sleep away.      Again, don't get me wrong, I would trade my sleep for Bean's safety any day.  BUT I had just gotten back the blissfulness of being able to sleep through the night as Bug was close to two years old when Bean was diagnosed.  Now I'm back to being up once, twice, and sometimes as much as five times a night.  It takes it's toll and I'm running out of quarters!
4.  I hate that D has shown me a side of people that I wish I had never seen.      I have friends that work at Bean's school that I would have sworn would have crawled over hot coals and broken glass for her this time last year.  Now I know that as much as they might 'love' her, there are limitations to what they are willing to do and that completely breaks my heart.
5.  I hate that no matter how consistent I am with my numbers, D isn't always consistent in return.      I like order.  I like organization.  I like that no matter how you do the math, 1 + 1 = 2, always.  The past 11 months has shown me that with D, numbers rarely 'add up' and just because something works out well one day does not mean it will ever work that way again.  It's something I am still struggling with 'letting go.'
6.  I hate that D has made "I need a number" a phrase that is said way too many times a day.
7.  And to go along with that, I hate that D has made me see my daughter as her number far too many times.      I have had to make a conscious effort to ask her about every other part of how her day went before I ask or go looking at her PDM to see how her numbers were.  I hate that her life, and subsequently my life, is dictated by those numbers.
8.  I hate that D makes me feel isolated from the 'outside' world.      Those who don't live this life, as much as they might want and try to understand, will NEVER get it.  I know that I sound like a raving lunatic sometimes when I try to answer the 'how is she doing' question.  I know that I spout out way more information than can be comprehended by anyone not living this 24/7/365...shoot, Ubergeek has a hard time keeping up with me sometimes!!
9.  I hate that D overshadows everything.      Every meal, every activity, every everything.  It's always there, demanding attention; demanding to be a part, wanted or not; demanding to interrupt.  We can't leave the house without 'the kit;' we can't eat a meal or a snack without testing and dosing; we can't allow Bean to play or act or dance without making her bleed so she can be safe doing those things; we can't pack for a simple overnight event without it looking like we're going to a deserted island for a week!
10.  I hate, more than anything, that D has NO CURE.        I hate that the best I can do for my Bean right now is help her 'manage' this disease with multiple BG checks a day and multiple doses of insulin a day, not to mention the continuous flow of insulin she gets 24/7/365.  And the same insulin that she needs to keep her alive can also take her life.