According to Merriam-Webster, mother is defined as follows:
a female parent; a woman in authority; source, origin;
maternal tenderness or affection; something that is an extreme
or ultimate example of its kind
I am "a female parent."
I remember my first Mother's Day as a mother. I had no baby to hold; no cute dress or suit to pick out for brunch. I had had two miscarriages in 6 months. Both at different stages so no pattern had formed to provide answers. I knew that those precious ones were safe and that I would someday get to see them and hug them. I knew I was a mother, but it sure didn't feel like it that day.
The next Mother's Day, Bean was with us...all cute little 4 months of her, with her precious cleft smile, and big brown eyes that could melt your heart.
Most days I consider myself "a woman in authority."
Though I must be honest and tell you that Bug is giving me a run for my money these days. She is two months from being three and I can already tell that we're moving from the 'terrible twos' into the 'totally trying threes.'
As far as "source, origin" is concerned....um, have you read this post?
I am the source of food, the origin of outfits, the finder of all things lost or in completely plain view, the one everyone comes to for any and everything whether my help is truly needed or not.
Do I have "maternal tenderness or affection?"
Yes, yes I do. Is it hard to find some days...yes, yes it is. But I am working my way back to the place where my first reaction is empathy and not frustration. I want my girls to know more hugs and kisses and kind words of encouragement and praise. Do they know I love them....yes, hell yes. Do I do a great job of showing it in a way that they need me to show it....not all the time, but I am striving to be better.
Now, on to the "something that is an extreme or ultimate example of its kind."
Oh to be able to say that I am the ultimate example of a pancreas would be amazing...a total and outright lie, but amazing none-the-less. Do I work my butt off each and every day at being a pancreas....um, YES! Do I look over BG numbers and try to figure out patterns to make adjustments so Bean's quality of life is improved both for now and for her future...um, hell YES! Do I lose sleep each and every night to make sure she is safe...um, total no-brainer YES! Do I sometimes totally miss a SWAG....yes! Do I sometimes look at the number on the meter and wonder where in the world it came from....yes, yes, yes! Do I beat myself up over this stupid disease that won't play by the rules, much less acknowledge that there are rules....I wish I could say 'no' but it's a total 'yes.' Do I hope, pray, dream, wish for a cure....YES! Do I wish I could make it all just go away for my Bean and for all the other CWD and PWD so we/they could just enjoy life like any other 'normal' person...oh hell to the yesity yes, yes!!
Mother. More than letters put together to form a word. More than just a word with a few definitions. It's an all consuming passion that overtakes you and never lets you go. It's a desire to see your child(ren) succeed and thrive and enjoy life to the fullest. It's a gut feeling that tells you when something is 'off' or 'not right' and can literally save the reason you are a mother in the first place. It's knowing that no matter how old they get or how much of a pain they are, they will always be 'yours' and will always make your heart sing and ache at the same time.
For my wonderful new friends of the DOC....my fellow D-moms, I hope your Mother's Day is full of wonderfulness. And I pray that D cuts us all some slack just for the day; or at the very least plays more by the rules than not and doesn't totally screw up our day!! Hugs to all of you!!!